Remember those annoying adverts that were around when this car came out a couple of years ago? "I am Giulietta," said a beautiful and coquettish-looking blond woman. No, you're not, you're Uma (Thurman). Even I know that. The car in the background is Giulietta. What's it all about? Perhaps the strapline will help. "And I am the stuff that dreams are made on."
Eh, dream on? It's Shakespeare? Classy. From The Tempest, though, and not – as you might expect in an poster for an Alfa Romeo Giulietta – from Romeo And Juliet.
To be honest, it's probably advertising nonsense and doesn't mean anything. They're trying to make the car seem enigmatic and glamorous. So – in a rather outdated way – they got a pretty lady to stand next to it. And, perhaps to make it seem less 1980s motorshow, they stuck in a bit of Shakespeare, albeit from the wrong play. Pah, that ain't fooling me. They want me to think it's sexy, and to associate it with sex. They might as well have drawn an arrow to the trademark triangular Alfa grille and written, "Check it out, fellas. It looks a bit like a... you know... a lady garden. Tee-hee."
Pathetic. Obviously, I don't buy any of that cars-are-sexy stuff. That's for sad men who watch Top Gear. People are sexy (well, some people are). Cars are cars. They can be pretty, though, and this one is that, especially in red. Looks like a coupe, even though it has five doors; nice curves, in the right places; plus a bit of whatever je ne sais quoi is in Italian.
Hell, perhaps a car can be sexy, and the Uma Thurman connection isn't so crazy after all. Wrong, obviously (Boo! Sexists!), but not crazy.
It's nice to drive, too, impressively powerful for a 1.4-litre engine, and responsive. Phwoar, handles well, if you know what I'm saying, lads. Wouldn't mind getting behind the wheel of that, hahaha. The new thing is a semi-automatic gearbox, so you can purr along in automatic mode, the missionary position of motoring, or change manually if you want to be more in control, using either the gear lever (gear lever!) or by slapping the paddles (ouch, stop it!) on the steering wheel. You can even change to "dynamic" mode to spice things up further. Well, hello.
I've turned. I've become not just a sad man who watches Top Gear, but one who wipes the sweat from his brow and boasts of the great drive he had. Maybe Giulietta is the stuff that dreams are made of. Sorry, made on.
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet..." Yeah, shut up.
Alfa Romeo Giulietta 1.4 TV MultiAir 170bhp
Price £23,155
Top speed 135mph
Acceleration 0-60mph in 7.7 seconds
Combined fuel consumption 54.3mpg
CO2 emissions 121g/km
Green rating 7/10
Cool rating 8/10
