With many of its mainline services currently behind schedule, the government’s branch line minister came to the Commons to show everyone how a timetable should work. Transport secretary Patrick McLoughlin understands all too well that you can make a cancer patient wait weeks for an appointment, but if it’s standing room only on commuter services from St Albans, then there will be hell to pay.
On most days, the bowler-hatted McLoughlin can be found in his office staring balefully at a screen providing him with round-the-clock updates on the nation’s road and rail networks. Sometimes the Fat Controller is happy. “The M6 contraflow south of Stafford is running freely.” Sometimes the Fat Controller is sad. “The 11.03 to Clacton is on time. How many more times must I tell Thomas to slow down?” Yet the Fat Controller is ever alert to blockages in the nation’s arteries. If not his own. At least that’s the image he would have you believe at transport questions.
The Fat Controller allowed his new minister of state, the Not Quite So Fat Controller, John Hayes, to field the first question from the Truly Enormous Nicholas Soames – the only man required to have an HGV licence to go outdoors – about the roadworks in Haywards Heath and East Grinstead that are making it difficult for him to get to the Little Chef. The Not Quite So Fat Controller checked his notes and confirmed the A22 was on his hit list. “My right honourable friend can be assured of my toughness,” he said, before adding the Beacon business park growth point in Stafford, the A50 to Alton corridor and the A417 at Nettleton Bottom to his to-do list.
“I nearly killed a young motorcyclist two weeks ago,” confessed Labour’s Barry Sheerman. “He was a Domino’s Pizza delivery boy.” Claire Perry, the Really Rather Thin Controller who was also making her first appearance at the dispatch box, seemed rather taken aback by this. Was she supposed to forgive him for being stroppy because his margherita was half an hour late or give him three points? “May I commend the hon gentleman for his long-standing commitment to road safety?” she said, noncommittally. She was as equivocal on the letter she had written complaining about the electrification on the Pewsey and Bedwyn line before she became a minister and now found herself obliged to answer.
Richard Graham rushed in just in time to ask why his train from Gloucester had been delayed. This was the catalyst for a free for all. “What about the Cleethorpes line?” “What about West Anglia?” “Where’s my Bristol to Oxford extension?” “Can I have a line between Tiverton and Clyst St Mary?”
At this point the Fat Controller made his decisive entrance, promising the new winter schedule would be ready soon and that he would do his best to accommodate everyone. This wasn’t good enough for his opposite number, Mary Creagh, who wanted to know why his flagship electrification project was overdue and over budget. “How very dare you!” roared the Fat Controller. “Labour only built 10 miles of electrified line when they were in office. We have built …” He didn’t specify how much, but from his outraged demeanour it must be at least 11 miles. If not 12. He checked his watch. The fun was over and the signal box called. The 10.32 from Rochester was due any minute. There was little time left in which to delay.
