Hmmm, I'm not finding this one easy, to be honest. They may have added a few scoops and ridges to this latest generation of Vauxhall's compact MPV, and given it headlights that look from the front like a pair of boomerangs. But it's still a Zafira, one of the dullest vehicles on the road. A Zzzzzzzzzafira, I sometimes call it.

I happen to mention on Twitter that I'm struggling to attain my usual lofty pinnacles of insightful motoring journalism, looking for inspiration. "I know from experience it's a s**t car", says @philippapotts. She tells me about some handbrake problems she's had, and that it's dull to drive. She's talking about the previous generation Zafira (duller still), so it would be unfair to take Philippa's comments on board. One of my so-called rivals, from another so-called newspaper, says his nephew was sick in the one he tested.

Then @SarahMillican75 sends me a tweet: "Does it smell nice? Is there somewhere you can keep an emergency tampon? Can I overtake arseholes without worrying? There," she writes, indicating the direction a motoring report should take. Hang on @SarahMillican75, the Sarah Millican, off the telly! She's helping me with my review, how very excellent. I like her approach, too. From now on my reviews will take that format. Those are the questions I'll be asking. And answering. Here goes then.

Odour. Right now this one smells of a new car, but one day it will smell of crisps, as all Zafiras do, because they're cars for families with lots of children. Crisps and sweets and maybe vomit. Like the man from the Independent's, hahaha.

Tampon storage. Excellent. There all sorts of glove compartments, cup holders, sunglasses pockets (34 in total, Vauxhall says) etc which would do very well. Perhaps you're thinking of bulk buying? Not a problem. This is what the Zafira Tourer is excellent at – versatility in the back. Folding seats provide almost endless permutations depending on how many people/how much stuff you've got to carry. So you could have five children back there. Or perhaps two premenstrual women, separated by a central console (it can be a testing time, I'm told), with loads of room behind them for boxes of feminine hygiene products for when it all kicks off.

Arsehole overtaking. Less impressive. It's probably a better drive than the previous model, but it's still a bit of a bus, to be honest – heavy, a little sluggish. But then it really is a bit of bus, so what do you expect? No one buys a Zafira for driving thrills. Or for any other kind of thrills. Unless you're into storage. Or being – and staying – behind arseholes. So to speak.

Vauxhall Zafira Tourer 2.0CDTi 16v

Price £24,565

Top speed 120mph

Acceleration 0-60 in 9.1 seconds

Average consumption 54.3mpg

CO2 emissions 137g/km

Eco rating 8/10

Cool rating 5/10